


Someone Else's Head

by ddaengoutsold



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Depression, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Relationships, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, im sorry for writing this, maybe smut???? lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-08-11 08:16:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7883596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ddaengoutsold/pseuds/ddaengoutsold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He took everything I was. My dignity. My name. My mind. He took everything and destroyed it. Now I amount to nothing."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Built These Walls

* * *

     I used to be such a happy kid. My mom used to tell me there was never a day that went by without a smile on my face. I was always excited for what was to come throughout every second of my day.

   I was happy. I loved playing with my little brother Zack. Whenever we were together we'd either be playing basketball in the drive way or riding our bikes through the neighborhood. Everyone would say that nothing could separate us.

    I was happy. To see my dad walk in through the door. To run into his safe arms. He'd pick me up, ask me how my day was. We were so happy.

 

  Happy.

  Happy?

   I haven't felt 'happy' in such a long time.

These thoughts that fill my head. They don't allow me to be 'happy'. I've tried to remember the feeling so many times.      I've tried writing it over and over until 'happy' started to look like an unknown word, so I could possibly kick-start my memory. But no matter what I do, I'm always lost with these thoughts. These night terrors. 

 

_This is all your fault._

_You did this to  yourself._

_You fucked this one up, Tyler._

 

 I get this claustrophobic feeling whenever I'm left in a room with my thoughts. Inside my mind you can find a room that I sit in. I'm not alone. No. I'm surrounded by countless demons. Demons that whisper in my ear. Spit at me.  _Scream_ at me. There's no way for me to escape. There's no way for me to escape. There's no way for me to escape.

* * *

* * *

 

"Wake up, Tyler."

 I slowly opened my eyes to see my mom standing above my bed with a worried look on her face. 

  "Hey, sweetie. You have a nightmare?" 

 I slowly shook my head, not knowing what to say. Did I have a nightmare? 

 "Well I made breakfast for you and Zack. You better get up if you wanna get to school on time." I gave her a small hum as she turned to leave. "Oh and Ty. Please try talking to your brother. For me?"

  She then left the room, shutting the door behind her. 

  I turned my head to look outside my window. The sun was barely starting to rise. The blueish grey of the sky was tiring. 

  Tiring.

  Tired. 

  

 I got out of bed and slipped on a pair of jeans and a baggy shirt. I slung my bag over my shoulder and gripped my door handle. Letting out a sigh, I twisted the door open and stepped out. As I walked downstairs, I began to hear Zack talking to my mom about some party he wants to go to. 

  "Mom honestly. It'll be fine, I swear. It's gonna be at Josh's house. You know Josh! He lives like right by us. His family wouldn't let him throw a party with drugs or whatever."

 "I don't know. It just doesn't feel right. You've seen how kids end up dead at these parties. We see it on the news all the time!" I stepped into the kitchen and cleared my throat to make my presence be known.

 Zack turned to me with slight confusion on his face.

 "Uh.. hi." I muttered.

 Silence

  "...Um anyways. I'm just gonna take that as a yes for now." Zack gave me another quick glance before he left the kitchen.

_He hates you._

Mom let out a sigh and shook her head.

"I don't understand what the problem is with you two. You used to get along so well."

"Yeah. _Used_  to. I guess Zack realized talking to me would ruin his reputation. As if being related to me wasn't bad enough."

"Tyler, why do you always say that? You know you're such a sweet kid."

"Sure."

I shuffled over to the table and plopped in my chair.

The plate in front of me had 3 strips of bacon and scrambled eggs. It looked so unappetizing.

"Uh.. actually. I'm not hungry. I think I'm gonna leave a bit early."

"You sure? You know you can get a ride from me or Zack." I cringed a bit at the thought of having to ride in the same car as Zack.

I gave her a soft smile and shook my head.

"It's fine. I like walking. It's quiet." I stood up from the table and began to head out.

"Well have a good day... please?"

_She's so disappointed in you._

I waved my hand and walked out the door.

As soon as I stepped outside, a breeze of chill air hit my face. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

Mornings like these are when I find myself at peace.

I began to walk down the usual path I took to school. I have to cut through a small forest where Zack and I used play in when we were younger.

It used to be our little safe haven, but I guess it's all mine now. But I enjoy having it all to myself.

The sound of my feet stepping on leaves and sticks. The birds beginning to start their day. It was the type of lonely that didn't have any sadness to it.   Something you should only get to experience yourself and I got to do that every day. This place was mine and mine alone.

"Hey."

I stopped in my tracks and shuddered.

What the hell? Am I hearing things?

I turned around to see a boy standing a few feet in front of me. His hair was an astonishing shade of pink and his eyes were a calming shade of brown.

"..what?"

"I said hey. You go this way often?"

I slowly nodded.  

Why is he here? I'm the only one who should know about this place.

_Looks like you can't have anything, huh?_

"Well I'm Josh. I live all the way down there." He pointed to some place deeper in the woods. "Usually I get a ride from friends but they're being dicks right now." He chuckled a bit.

I couldn't speak. Where did he come from so suddenly?

"Hey. Aren't you Zack's older brother?"

"uh. yeah." I swallowed hard and began shifting uncomfortably. Great. He knows Zack.

"Oh, sweet. I invited him to a party just yesterday. If he's coming you should too. We could get to know each other better." Josh gave me a warm smile as he waited for my answer. 

He looked so.. so genuine. Like he actually wanted to get to know me. But what if he's just like Zack?

_He's trying to trick you. He doesn't really want you there._

"No."

"What?" 

"No. No. Please, leave me alone." I turned back around and began to run. Why would he try talking to me? What am I gonna do if I see him in the halls or in the bathroom or when I come home?

I heard his voice calling for me to come back. Why did I say no? What if he was really trying to be nice?

_You're such an idiot. You wonder why you don't have any friends._

_You fucked up again Tyler._

That claustrophobic feeling started to come back. I was in the room again. Surrounded by demons.

There was still no way out. 

I did this to myself.

I created this room.

I built these walls.


	2. Jalapeños

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I made it clear that I wasn't someone who he wanted to become friends with. So why did he insist?

I arrived at school 15 minutes after my encounter with Josh in the woods.

 The sound of his voice calling me back pounded in the back of my head. Why did he want to talk to me?

I was definitely not a popular kid. As a matter of fact, it feels like the entire school hates me. 

 Whenever I'm being stared at by someone as I walk through the halls, their eyes are talking to me. 

  _You don't belong here,_ they say.

  _You're unwanted._

_You're **unneeded.**_

 The eyes of the ones who dislike me have the same voices as my demons. 

 The eyes are not kind. 

 I reached the end of the hallway to see a girl waiting at my locker. She had blonde hair that went a bit past her shoulders and piercing blue eyes.

 "Oh. Hey there Joseph." She smiled softly and stepped aside.

 "Hi Jenna." 

 Jenna was a childhood friend of Zack and I. If Zack wasn't with me, he'd be with Jenna and vice versa. We were really close until she and Zack started hanging out with dickheads.

 "Jeez, dude. You look like you've seen a ghost or somethin'. You doing okay?"

 "Oh uh. Yeah yeah. I just ran into someone on my way here."

 "Really? Who?"

 I chewed my lip and let out a sigh. 

 If I tell her that I ran into Josh, she's gonna start asking questions and probably bring it up to someone later and then everyone's gonna know that I freaked out on him.

  _Just keep lying._

"It was no one I knew. Just caught me off guard." I forced myself to laugh and turned away from her to open my locker.

 "Oh... well. I have something I want to give to Zack."

_Oh. She's not even here for me. Just for Zack._

She pulled out a letter and shoved it into my hands. 

 "Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT open this, Joseph. Top secret info." She gave me a wink and turned to leave. "Thanks, hon!"

 As soon as she was out of sight I set the letter in the back of my locker where I'd hopefully forget about it.

 "Didn't know what I was expecting to happen." I mumbled to myself.

 I grabbed my stuff for my first class and jogged upstairs before too many people began to file into the hallway.

 Before I went inside my class I got a quick glimpse of Zack and Josh walking down the hall.

 I pray things don't get fucking worse from here.

 

* * *

 

  My first three hours went by pretty quickly, so before I knew it everyone was heading to lunch.

 I pulled out my wallet to see I had only 3 dollars on me.

 "Vending machine again."

 I went downstairs to find the closest machine. When I reached the final step, a loud slap rang through the air as the back of my neck began to sting.

 "Tyler you fucking idiot."

 Zack was standing behind me, his hands bawled into fists.

 "What are you talking about?"

 "You don't think I'd know? Josh fucking invited you to his party and you acted like a psycho."

 "I don't-"

 "He was talking about it during 2nd hour. Do you know what that does to my reputation? Being known as the kid with the weird ass older brother? It fucks it up, Tyler!"

  _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

 "I just didn't-"

 "Jenna even said she asked you about why you were acting so damn weird earlier today. If you just said yes, maybe just maybe, everyone wouldn't think you're just some miserable piece of shit. Whatever's coming for you, you fucking deserve it."

 "What?"

 Zack swallowed and backed away from me.

 "Nothing. Whatever. Just..why do you always fuck up?"

 Zack turned on his heels and went back up the steps.

  _Why do you always fuck up?_

I'm shaking now.

  _Why do you always fuck up?_

I took a seat on the floor and put my head in my hands.

  _Why do you always fuck up?_

I slapped my palm against my temple.

  _Why?_

"get away from me." Another slap.

  _Why?_

 _"Get away from me._ " Another slap.

 "What are you doing out here?"

 I looked up to see him standing in front of me. 

 "Josh?"

He was holding a bottle of water and a paper bag. He smiled and crouched down. 

 "What're you doing all by yourself?"

 What does he mean? Why wouldn't I be alone? He knows I have no one.

 "...well?"

  _He's just here to make things worse._

Josh held his hand out towards me. What does he want me to do? 

 "Come on. Me and you can hang out somewhere else that isn't this nasty hallway." He laughed the same way he did this morning.

 "Why?"

 He furrowed his eyebrows. Why does he act like he doesn't know?

 "Listen. Josh. You know me. You've heard about me from everyone. I'm weird. I'm fucked up. I'm crazy. You don't want to be bothered with me."

 "You haven't even given me a chance to get to know you. Things people hear about someone; that's never the real them." Josh pushed his hand closer to me, smiling that warm smile again.

 I made it clear that I wasn't someone who he wanted to become friends with. So why did he insist?

  _He's still trying to trick you._

"No."

 Josh shrugged then plopped down next to me.

  "If you won't come with me I guess I'll have to stay with you."

What the fuck?

 He reached inside his paper bag and pulled out a sandwich. 

 "This has turkey, mayo, mustard and jalapeños. Want some?"

 He's offering me food?

"C'mon. I know you're hungry." He split the sandwich in half and shoved it in my mouth.

His laugh started echoing throughout the hallways. "Oh my god! Your face, dude! Just try it. Its good I swear."

 He was staring at me with this goofy grin on his face. If I took a bite maybe he'd stop looking at me.

 I bit into the sandwich and as much as I didn't want to, continued eating it.

 "See? What'd I tell ya? My friend would always share these with me. She was a master chef when it came to her sandwiches. These could bring a tear to Gordon Ramsay's eye."

 I hummed in agreement and finished it off. It was so odd, Josh's company. Him being here felt like meeting up with an old friend that you haven't seen in years.

 "So," he began. "I wanna talk to you about my party again." 

  _That's why he's here._

"No. No way in hell." I stood up and grabbed my wallet that I dropped from earlier. "You told your friends about what happened didn't you?"

 "Well yeah but-"

 "I don't know what you're trying to do but you need to stop. You telling everyone stories about me and shit makes things worse for myself."

 "I'm sorry. I was just bummed out you turned down my invitation."

 "Whatever. Just stop trying to be friends with me. I don't need you here." I turned around and went upstairs.

 "You're not even gonna thank me for the sandwich?"

* * *

  It was finally the end of this god awful day. I opened my locker to have the letter that Jenna gave me fall out. I rolled my eyes and shoved it in my bag. I didn't want to be seen by Josh or Zack again for the rest of today so I left through the back doors of the school.

 I passed a couple kids waiting for their rides and a few stoners to reach my trail.  As soon as the sounds of yelling and buses leaving became inaudible, I was at peace again.

  I walked down the path faster than usual to avoid any more encounters with Josh. As soon as I reached my house, I was happy to see that there were no cars in the drive way. I stepped through the door, the smell of food wafting through the air. I walked into the kitchen and read a note from my mom saying how there's food in the oven for us.

 She's been working her ass off nonstop for the past few years now and it feels like its all my fault. I threw my bag to the ground to have it make a loud clunking sound.

I stepped over to my bag and unzipped it. I pulled out the only thing that could've possibly made that noise and it was the envelope for Zack.

 It felt like it held something metal.

It wouldn't hurt to see what it was right? I could just replace the envelope.

_Open it._

I tore open the envelope, reached in and pulled out something cold. I inspected it closely until I flinched away and dropped it.

 It was a blade.

 "Shit. Shit shit shit." I felt my hands begin to tremble.  _Remember Tyler? You were here alone._

I tried reaching for it but I couldn't bring myself to touch it.

  _All it took for you was one swift cut and you were out like a light._

My eyes began to sting as my breathing started to get uneasy. 

 Why does Zack need this? And why was Jenna giving it to him?

  _You would've been gone if no one walked in on you in time._

A car door slammed in the driveway and I began to panic. I forced myself to shove the blade back into the envelope. There was no time to get a new one.

 I jumped up from the floor and ran upstairs, slamming my door shut

 I threw my bag across the room. I wanted that thing far away from me.

  _ **End it Tyler. End it. You have another chance. Take it**_ _._

"Please leave me alone." I choked out. I couldn't breathe. It was like the room was full of smoke.

The voices were flames.

  _ **End. End. End. End. End. End. End. End.**_

I felt my body begin to give way. I instinctively closed my eyes. 

 First there was fire.

Then nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so whenever I went to save a draft, it would never save so I had to keep rewriting and rewriting and rewriting  
> So I decided to finish this chapter all today.
> 
> So if this seemed rushed please bare with me my friends.  
> Thanks dudes - Ders


	3. Just For One Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Just stay with me this time. Even if it's just this once. Please."  
> There was something about him. His voice was so nice to listen to and I couldn't stop looking at him. The way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, the way his tongue would sometimes stick out when he laughed. It was like something you've never seen before.

_I was so numb. So cold. Someone was hovering above me. What was he doing? Why couldn't I move? Why couldn't I speak?_  
_I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to do this. It hurt but I couldn't do anything. I wanted it to stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop._

* * *

  I struggled to force my eyes open as I finally came to. I was lying on the carpet in my now dim room, my back facing the door. 

 I couldn't remember how I got here. Shuffling feet could be heard out in the hallway. 

 "Yeah, its weird." Zack's voice echoed throughout the quiet house. He must be on the phone. 

 "Oh yeah I talked to him about it. I smacked the fuck out of him.... No. What envelope?" Zack paused then began walking towards my room.

Envelope?

Envelope.

  "Shit!" I shot up as soon as I remembered what happened earlier today. I quickly locked my door and dived for my bag.

 As soon as I unzipped it, there was pounding on the door. 

 "Open the fuck up Tyler. Jenna says you were supposed to give me somethin'."

 "Uhh just a second." I pulled out the opened envelope but quickly dropped it. The blade was still in there. "fuck fuck fuck."

 "What's taking you so damn long?"

 "I'm trying to find it." I stood up and went to my drawer. I know I had some tape somewhere.

 "GIVE ME MY SHIT, TYLER." 

 "I'M STILL TRYING TO FIND IT, HOLD ON!"

 "I'm kicking this fucking door down in 3 seconds "

I rummaged through the drawers. I needed to find something.

 "3..."

 I checked in my bag. In the closet. Nothing.

 "2..."

 I got on my knees and checked underneath my bed. "Yes." I reached under and grabbed the lost Scotch tape. I shakily taped the envelope shut.

"1. I'm coming in Tyler."

 Before Zack attempted to do anything, I unlocked my door and swung it open. "Found it"

I shoved the letter in his hands and slammed my door shut. I sank to the ground and let out a sigh.

 I'm so scared. What is Zack going to do with that? What if he's going to hurt me? 

 I needed to get out of the house and fast. I listened to see if Zack had went away. 

 Silence.

 I checked to see if my phone was in my pocket then slowly opened my door. I dashed down the steps and out the front door.

 I took in a deep breath and headed for the woods. I needed to get far away from Zack for the night.

  _He's gonna hurt himself. It's your fault you gave it to him._

"No. He wouldn't." I shook my head and continued walking. I looked around me and began to calm down. 

 The sun was just now going down. There's no better place to be right now than here.

 "You like coming out here at this time too?"

 Not again. Not now. I turned around to see Josh. His pink hair almost sparkling in the sun. I shook the thought out of my head and sighed.

  _Push him away._

 "Josh. I really don't need to be bothered right now. Okay?"

 "I'm not trying to bother you. I'm trying to get to know you."

 "No you're not! I know what you are. You're someone like Zack or Jenna or everyone else. You're trying to use me. To crush me. I'm so tired of being thrown around like this. Just please. Leave me alone." I turned to walk away but he reached for me, his hand gripping my wrist.

 "I am not like that, Tyler. I'm not, okay? I know that they can be fucked up people, but I swear I'm not like them. I want to know you Tyler. Not the you that everyone thinks you are, but the you that  _you_ know you are."

 Josh released his grasp on my hand and stepped closer. "Just stay with me this time. Even if it's just this once. 

Please?"

  I looked into his eyes. 

  The eyes are not kind. 

 But for some reason, his were a different story.

 I slowly nodded my head. "Okay." Josh flashed that same smile again. 

 "Well," he began. "I think we need to reintroduce ourselves now that we're officially friends."

 Friends?

 "My name is Joshua William Dun. Age 17, born and raised in Ohio. I have one sister and one brother. What about you?"

 "Um. Tyler Joseph."

 Josh laughed that same laugh from this morning. "C'Mon. You gotta do it like I did. It's more fun."

 "Uh. Tyler Robert Joseph. 17. I live here. I have a brother. You know him." Josh smiled and gave me a thumbs up.

 "See, now we're getting somewhere 'Robert'." 

 "Don't... call me that."

 "Alright. If you don't like that then... how's about I call you Ty."

 "Ty?" I mumbled to myself. 

No one's called me Ty in such a long time. 

 I looked back at Josh as he waited for my answer. "Sure.. I guess."

 "Alright. Ty it is then." Josh smiled then walked away.

 I realized I was standing in the same spot when I met Josh this morning. I watched as he walked farther and farther away. He seemed to bounce whenever he took a step. I felt something as I watched him. A very unfamiliar feeling. What was this?

He suddenly halted in his tracks and turned around.

 "Aren't you coming?" He called out to me. I hesitated for a second but jogged to catch up with him. "I was talking to myself thinking you were following behind me." He laughed to himself and continued walking next to me. 

 I didn't know exactly where we were going, it seemed like we were just walking deeper and deeper into the forest. Josh kept talking about himself, things he liked to do and such. I couldn't quite pay attention but I liked listening to his voice. Whenever he spoke, he had a smile on his face. He would always look at you when speaking, almost never breaking eye contact. His eye were almost....pretty.

 "Tyler?"

 "Hm?"

 "I asked what do you like to do." 

 "Oh..." What do I like to do. "Nothing I guess."

 "Oh come on that's not true. There's gotta be something."

 Was there really something? I chewed my lip and stared at the ground. "I mean.. I guess I like to sing a bit."

  "Really? You have to sing for me sometime dude." 

 "Oh, I don't think you'd like it. I'm not that great."

 "Don't say that. I bet you sound wonderful."

 And for the first time in years I didn't have to force myself to smile. 

* * *

 

  "And then he said 'Thanks, Pete!'" I found myself to be laughing at every story Josh was telling me.

 We wound up inside an abandoned tree house, Josh telling stories and jokes while I just listened.

 "Hey, Josh. What was it like for you when you were younger?"

 "It was decent. The ordinary suburban family life. My parents got along, my brother, sister and I fought sometimes but other than that it was fine. I remember we'd fight over the stupidest shit too. Like Jordan could sneeze during a movie or something and we'd all jump him for being too loud. Good times."

 He smiled to himself and laughed. There was something about him. His voice was so nice to listen to and I couldn't stop looking at him. The way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, the way his tongue would sometimes stick out when he laughed. It was like something you've never seen before. Why am I looking at a boy like this? I shook my head and sighed.

 "Alright, Ty. Your turn. What's your story."

 "Uh... what?" I furrowed my brows and sat up. 

 "I wanna know more about you other than the fact that you have a brother. What was your childhood like?"

  _No. No. No. No._

 "I..." I looked down at my hands. They were shaking like crazy. I shoved them in my pockets and turned away from Josh. "I don't know. My life's not interesting."

  _He ruined me. Ruined me. Ruined me._

 "Everyone's life's interesting at some point dude. Let's hear it."

  _He hurt me. Hurt me. Hurt me._

 "I was hurt."

 "What do you mean?"

 "I didn't know what I did but he hurt me. He scarred me."

 "Tyler? What are you talking about."

  "He.. It wasn't my fault." My eyes widened as I realized what I was saying. 

**_You've said too much._ **

"What happened Tyler?"

 I looked at Josh, his face full of worry. Before I knew it there were tears rushing down my face. I couldn't speak. I could only shake. Only cry. The voices were so loud.

 "Tyler, hey." Josh scooted closer to me and put his hand on my shoulder. "I got you."

   He put my head in his chest and just held me there. Why didn't I move away from this? That foreign feeling came back to me. What was this?

 I felt myself get tired as I continued to cry. It was like my body was being dragged down. 

 I felt myself go limp again, eyes closing instinctively. But this time someone was there to catch me.

 

  "I'm here." he whispered. 

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, Pete!


	4. Trapdoor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was loathed by heaven and he was the only one that wanted me.
> 
> All it took was for him to pull a lever so I could fall through.

  _I was in the living room lying on the couch staring at the TV, the only light source for the room. I didn't know what time it was. All I know was that it was late. I wasn't alone. Someone was here. I could hear them walking around me. Feel them watching me. I couldn't move._

_"You can't tell anyone."_

* * *

When I came to, my head was resting on Josh's lap. He seemed to still be awake considering how he was continuously tapping his finger against the floor of the now dark tree house.

 "Hey. You awake now?" He smiled down at me, worry in his eyes. I nodded and propped myself up on my elbows.

 "I'm... really sorry." I began, "I don't know what came over me, it's just that... I don't feel comfortable talking about.. _that._ "

 "No I understand. You don't have to be sorry for being uncomfortable. It was kind of my fault for pushing you." He rested his hand on my cheek and sighed, staring at me.  I don't think I wanted to but I leaned into his touch. It was so warm, so safe. I watched as his gaze went from my eyes, to my nose, to my lips and back up again. "I'm just so fascinated with you. I want to know everything you'll allow me to know."

He slowly began to caress my cheek with his thumb, automatically sending shivers down my spine. I brushed his hand away and sat up straight. "What are you doing?"

 "Is that.. not okay?" He genuinely seemed confused as he pulled his hand away.

 "I mean... I don't know? It's not something that a guy would usually do to me." Josh frowned a bit and hummed, turning his head.

"Hey, I'm not mad. It felt kind of nice but odd. I don't know how to explain it.."

 Josh huffed and ran his fingers through his hair. He looked back at me with soft eyes, that weird feeling coming back to me again causing me to shudder a bit.

 "It seems that I've figured it out before you, huh?"

 I opened my mouth to speak but he just shook his head. "Never mind. It's late. We should really head back." I just nodded and began to head down the ladder, Josh following behind. We walked in silence until we reached my front door.

 "Sorry for freaking out on you like three times today." I apologized breaking the silence.

 "It's fine. We're here now aren't we?" He smiled and leaned against the house as I opened the door. "I'll see you tomorrow right?"

 I gave a small smile and just looked at him. He was so set on getting to know me, being able to see me. His smile faded as he stepped closer to me. "Ty..." he nervously twiddled his thumbs, chewing his lip as he looked away.

   "What?"

 "Thank you. For letting me have this with you. I'd really love to do this again sometime if you want."  

I felt a warmness in my chest as he nervously awaited my answer. It was cute, how he rubbed his shoulder, how he couldn't seem to stand still. He was cute.

 "Yeah. I'd like that." He grinned and reached into his pocket.

"Well, in that case," he pulled out his phone and handed it to me. "It only makes sense if I have your number, right?"

 I hesitated for a second. I haven't gave anyone my number for a while now. I took his phone from his hands and typed my number in. My heart was pounding as I handed it back over. He has my number now. That means he can call me or text me whenever he wants and I felt quite excited.

 He smiled down at his phone and then at me. "Is it okay if I take a picture of you?" 

 I hummed in approval as he held his phone up towards me. "What do you want me to do?"

 "Just smile for the paparazzi, Mr. Joseph." 

 I laughed as he took the picture.  He showed me the picture a big grin still on his face.

 "I don't like how I look in this."

 "What? You look beautiful." A tint of red illuminated Josh's cheeks as he watched my mouth fall open. 

 Beautiful.

 Beautiful?

 Is that how he saw me? Beautiful. Whenever I looked at myself. Whenever anyone looked at me. What was seen wasn't  _beautiful._ What was seen was something pitiful.

A tired, hollowed out vessel that almost faded into the crowd but not quite.

 I always felt so unwanted by everyone. I was such a bother to them for some reason. Like I was a demon that managed to get into paradise.

  Why did Josh see me as something different? I was loathed by heaven and he was the only one that wanted me.

  "You think I'm...?" I couldn't speak, I was like a deer in headlights.

 Josh chuckled a bit and shut off his phone. 

"Yes. I think you're fucking beautiful, Tyler Joseph." He opened his mouth to say something but stopped himself. I watched as he stepped away from the door and began down the driveway.

 "Goodnight, Ty." He flashed me a smile and went back into the woods.

 That feeling came back to me. I stood still, watching Josh's figure disappear. This feeling. I know what this was.

 "I think I've fell." I muttered to myself. 

  I've been standing on a door ever since we met and all it took was for him to pull a lever so I could fall through. 

 

And I don't think I'm getting out.

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well shit.  
> School started Tuesday so I haven't had time for shit like  
> At all  
> I've been worried all week about when I was gonna finish this chapter but YA BOI DID IT.  
> Thank you for reading this! Any criticism would be nice (as well as compliments ;);););(:(;(:(;(;(;(;))  
> Thanks dudes - Ders


	5. Golden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He is golden and worth the pain.  
> He is golden.

 My alarm clock sounded throughout my room causing me to wake. I sat up in my bed and sighed, a hand over my forehead. That's when I realized I don't have an alarm clock.

 Confused, I turned my head to the source of the noise. My phone was on my dresser, a light being cast from it as it's ringtone continuously played. I groaned and got out of bed to see who it was.

  "Josh?" I mumbled. That's right. I gave him my number last night. I smiled to myself and picked up the phone.

 "Hello?"

  "Mornin' Ty."

 "Why're you calling me right now. I don't get up until 5:30."

 "That's only 30 minutes." I heard Josh try to stifle a laugh as I let out a groan. "But I just wanted to call you and ask if you wanted to walk to school together. If that's okay with you."

 I felt like a giddy 10 year old girl getting asked out by her crush. 

 "Yeah.. sure. I'll be ready in like 10 minutes."

 "Cool. I'll meet you at yours." After he hung up I set my phone back down on my dresser.

  At my house? Zack's gonna be confused and probably angry that Josh is walking with me to school. I grabbed one of my sweatshirts out of my closet and pulled it over my head. I slipped on a pair of jeans and left my room, my backpack slung behind my shoulder. Zack was still in his room sleeping from what I could hear. As I reached the bottom step, my mom's humming became audible as she made us breakfast.

 "Morning, hon. You're up early." I hummed and sat down at the table.

"Who called you? I heard your phone ringing earlier."

 "Uh. Just a friend. Asked about homework... or somethin'."

 "You sound like you're not sure." She gave me a half smile as she set a plate in front of me.

 "I'm just tired." I picked up my fork and shoved some eggs in my mouth. I wonder what Mom would think about me being friends with Josh.

_And the fact that you like him._

That's right. I like Josh.

 I don't know why. I can't remember what he did to make me like him. Was it his laugh that could make me smile whenever I heard it? Was it his smile? His oh so beautiful smile. I couldn't stop thinking about the way he looked at me last night. Does he feel like this too? Is this why he kept trying to get close to me?

 I pulled my phone out of my sweatshirt pocket to check if Josh had texted me to say he was here. I sighed, no notifications whatsoever. I put my phone back in my pocket as Zack waltzed into the kitchen.

 "Mornin' Ma." He gave me a quick glance and scoffed. He sat across from me and just stared at me. When I reached for my fork he let out a laugh.

"What?"

"You done starving yourself?" I rolled my eyes at his remark and stood up from the table.

 "I've never starved myself Zach..."  

 "Ha," he sarcastically let out a chuckle, "That's a damn lie."

"Zach, cut it out." My mom cut in, setting his plate down on the table. 

 "You know it's true Tyler. It was just 2 years ago."

 "Zach. Stop." 

  _Everything you ate was revolting. You couldn't bring yourself to swallowing anything._

"You were like one of those anorexic bitches. What was it called again? Purging?"

 You  _felt so ugly. So gross. Like you deserved it._

I couldn't speak. I was trembling, my hands shaking violently, my breathing unsteady.

 "Zach! I mean it. Stop." 

 Zach sucked his teeth and waved his hand, standing from the table now eye-level with me.

 "You can't even say anything to me? You're so-" Zach was cut off by the door bell ringing. I couldn't bring myself to look up at the door. I couldn't bring myself to look at anyone.

 I watched my moms feet as she left the kitchen. I heard the door creak a bit as she opened it.

 "Hey. Are you Miss. Joseph?" 

 My breathed hitched as Josh's voiced echoed through the house. Zack left me at the table, standing at the doorway.

 "Yes, hi! Are you one of Zack's friends?"

 "Uh, yeah but I'm actually here for Tyler."

 I lifted my head up and looked at Zach. He was confused, angry, disappointed. I brushed past him as I left the kitchen, walking into Josh's view. Once he saw me, his lips curled into a smile.

 "Hey, Ty." I smiled and waved, approaching the door.

 "Uh, we were gonna walk to school today."  I looked at my mom, her face in slight shock.  She grinned at me and stepped out of my way.

 "Oh! Well then you two have a good day. Zach," she turned to the kitchen but Zach had disappeared. "I was gonna ask him if he wanted to go with you."

 I cringed and stepped outside. "We're fine. Bye, Ma." I shut the door behind me and let out a sigh I didn't even know I was holding in.

 "She seems nice." I weakly smiled at his remark and stepped off the porch alongside him. 

"You doing alright, Ty?"

 I chewed my lip, turning my head away from him.

 "Come on. What's up?"

 "I don't know where to start really," I ran my hands over my face and groaned. "I can't fucking stand Zach at all. He was being an ass before I left."

 "What? Really?"

 "Oh please," I snorted. "You don't know? He treats me like shit every single day. It's not like I did anything to him. Ever since he and Jenna started hanging out with dick heads like Mike Young and his shitty friends he's just changed y'know?"  
 

Josh hummed, his eyes never leaved mine as I spoke. It almost made me falter a bit when I talked. 

"What did he say to you?"

 I hesitated a bit. "Can't remember."

 Josh shrugged and left it alone. "How'd you sleep last night, Ty?" 

 I laughed a bit at the question. "Like a little baby." Josh chuckled, grabbing my shoulder a bit. 

 "That's good to hear. My mom and dad were fighting all last night. That's kind of why I left the house in the first place."

 "Your parents fight?"

 Josh snorted a bit. "Yours don't? Who's parents don't fight?"

 I shuddered a bit. 

"Well they don't fight because _he_  doesn't live with us anymore..."

  _You can't tell anyone._

_You did this._

"Oh I'm sorry for saying that. I had no idea."

"It's fine."

 I didn't speak for the rest of the walk to school, listening to Josh talk about how he didn't finish his homework for one of his classes or what he was going to eat at lunch today was hard enough. 

 My parents never fought. They were so happy.

 My parents never fought. They were so happy.

  _My parents never fought. They were so happy._

_My parents never fought. They were so happy._

_**My parents never fought. They were so happy.**_

__ **We were so happy and I ruined everything for them.**

 

"I-"  
 "We're here, Ty."

 I looked around to see that we were at the front doors. 

 "What were you gonna say?" 

 I furrowed my eyebrows. Was I talking? 

 I shook my head and went inside, Josh close behind. 

 "Tyler. Are you doing okay?"

 "I uh. I don't," I paused as I noticed Zack and his friends turn the corner. I don't want to be anywhere near them. "Nothing. I gotta go to my locker."  
 Josh started to say something but I already left him behind. 

 My morning has just been a never ending rollercoaster. It feels like it's just going to go down from here.  

* * *

 

     I sat in my 4th hour, my English teachers words going through one ear and out the other. She was reading Macbeth aloud as everyone in the room pretended to pay attention. I was beginning to go to sleep when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I looked up to make sure my teacher wasn't paying attention then pulled it out. It was Josh. I smiled to myself a bit and read it.

 ' _Okay so today I'm thinking nachos or pizza. Which one sounds good cuz you're getting some.'_

I laughed a bit, slightly shaking my head.

  _'I can pay for my own food Josh. And nachos.'_

_'K but I want to pay for ur food?????? and nachos it is'_

I felt my grin getting wider, imagining the way he would've said this to me.

  _'I'm not eating your food.'_

_'Yes u r bby ;)))'_

I let out a loud laugh but quickly regretted it.

 "What's so funny, Mr. Joseph?"

 I felt my face get red, everyone turning to look at me as I got called out.

 "oh uh. nothing i just thought this part was... funny."

"Lady Macduff's son was just murdered, Mr. Joseph."

I slumped down in my seat trying to come up with something to say, trying to ignore the snickers around the classroom.

_Stupid._

 "I guess I just-"

 I was cut off by the bell. Everyone jumped out of their seats and left. I quickly grabbed my stuff and merged in with the crowd, slipping out of the class and down the hall to avoid confrontation. 

  _Fucking idiot. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

I could still feel my face was hot. It felt like I was gonna cry at any moment. I dashed down the steps and headed for the cafeteria.

 "Ty! Over here!"

 I halted in my tracks to look for Josh. He was standing by his locker holding nachos. I sighed and walked towards him.

 "What's the matter?"

"You got me in trouble."

 "Oh really? How so?" Josh looked a tad bit amused at my frustration.

 "I laughed at your text too loud and everyone heard me."

 "I'm so sorry" he began to laugh. 

"It's not funny dude! Everyone looked at me." I rubbed my arm and turned away from him.

"Hey. I'm sorry. Really." He set his hand on my shoulder and smiled reassuringly.

"At least I got the nachos." He sang, waving them in my face. I couldn't stop myself from laughing along with him.

 "You're eating them too, Ty."

 "I am n-" I was interrupted by Josh shoving a nacho in my mouth, his laughter echoing down the halls causing some people to look.

 "What is up with you and shoving things in my mouth!" 

 Josh stopped laughing and stared at me, his face getting red a bit. "Well when you say it like that."

 "Oh please! You know what I meant!" 

 Josh raised his eyebrows at me and slowly popped another nacho in my mouth.

 "Okay this is getting weird."  
"Yeah."

* * *

 

 "So Jordan wanted to get the last slice, but I was like, nah that's not about to happen. So I leaped over the couch, parkour style may I add, and landed on him."

 We found ourselves back in the hallway where we first ate together, as abandoned and dusty as it was. It was a nice and quiet place for us.

 "Jesus, is he okay?"

 "Oh yeah, he's fine." Josh laughed a bit and took a swig of water. I shook my head and smiled. After minutes of arguing, Josh managed to convince me to eat his nachos with him. When we were finished we decided to stay back here and just talk.

"Hey, Ty? Can I ask you something?"

 I nodded as he scooted closer to me. "What did Zack say to you this morning?"

 I sighed and set my water down. I was hoping he'd forgotten about that.

"I told you I couldn't remember."

"I know that's a lie."

 I looked at him, his face serious.

 I hesitated but finally gave in.

"He brought up the fact that I... used to have an eating disorder. It kind of fucked me up a bit. I froze, y'know?"

 "Tyler... why?"

 I shook my head, "I don't know? I just felt like I deserved it. I hate the body I'm in. I wanted to change it somehow."

 "Tyler. I-"  
"I don't do it anymore I promise."

 "No Tyler I. I just. Fuck I don't know."

 Josh was chewing his lip, he looked so worried.

"I just wish I was there for you, you know?"

 "What?"  
 "Tyler. I think you're so beautiful. You know that."

 I felt that feeling come back again. 

"Yeah..."

 "You're so perfect to me. I wish I would've been able to tell you that during that time." Josh rested his hand on top of mine and sighed.

 "If it hasn't been obvious, I hope you know that I really like you Tyler."

 

 My eyes widened as he began to move closer to me. I watched as he wrapped his hand around my hand, rubbing his thumb against my wrist.

"There's something about you Tyler. There's so many things that I can't even pick one. You're so fascinating to me."

 Josh began to close the space between us until I felt his lips against mine. I slowly closed my eyes as I kissed him back. My heart was beating rapidly, my hands slightly shaking, my breathing unsteady. 

 When he pulled away from me I couldn't move. He smiled at my shocked expression.

 "Can I tell you something? I think I knew that you liked me before you even knew."

 I slowly nodded, a breathy 'uh' escaping my mouth. 

 Josh chuckled and held his other hand in mine. "Just know that I think you're beautiful. No matter what Zack or anyone else tells you okay?"

 Before I could speak, Josh let go of me and stood up. "We've a minute before we have to go to class. I'll walk you, okay?"

 I hummed in agreement and stood up with him. It seemed like he didn't just, you know, kiss me a few seconds ago.

 So many things were rushing in my head.

  _I'm gay?_

 _Josh is gay?_  
He likes me and I like him?  
  


_What will everyone think about you? What happens when Zack finds out._

_What is happening?_

It feels like ever since Josh has started talking to me things have been getting bad for me. At home and here. 

But something in me tells me I shouldn't care. That what happens is worth it.

 Ever since Joshua Dun has started talking to me, I've slowly been falling in into the most painful thing possible.

 I've been falling in love with him unknowingly.

But he is golden and worth the pain.

 He is golden.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp  
> I was hoping that this wouldn't happen again but school has once again grabbed me by the ass and fucked me.  
> I am sooooo sorry for this delay. It's been more than a week.   
> Bare with me children  
> I will try and update faster  
> FOR REAL NEXT TIME  
> Thanks my dudes


	6. Give It A Shot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I didn't know these people. They didn't know me. But here I was surrounded by them and their shouts cheering me on.
> 
> What have I gotten myself into?

 "So there's this thing I've been meaning to ask you." 

 I closed my locker shut and turned to Josh. It was the end of the day but he hadn't even stopped to get his stuff from his locker yet. All he had was his phone and a pencil in his hand.

 "What would that be?" I asked, slinging my bag over my shoulder. 

 "Now. Hear me out. I know this has probably gotten old but like... Now that you know that I genuinely like you I was hoping you would change your mind about not going to my party."

 "You're still on that?"

 "I know, I know. It's just that I really want to see you have fun."

 I scoffed and began to walk towards the exit. "I'm positive I can have fun without having to be surrounded by people I don't like."

 "I know you don't like them but I want them to see how much of a nice person you really are."

 I huffed and shook my head. "Josh. I appreciate it I really do, but I just can't"

 I was prepared for him to continue to try and convince me but he only nodded. "It's okay, I get it." a gave me a small smile and walked out the building with me.

 "I'm sorry.. I just-"

"No Ty, it's perfectly fine, really. Besides, now that I think about it, I kind of want to be the only one that gets to hang out with you." I turned my head away from him, biting my lip to suppress my smile. 

 "Oh please." Josh reached for my hand, chuckling at my embarrassment. He rubbed his thumb against the back of my hand. We stayed like this for the rest of the walk home.  We said our goodbyes as we reached the point where we had to separate, Josh heading left as I head straight. I reached my house to find the garage door wide open, my mom's car inside.

 "She's here early..." I mumbled to myself. I walked inside the garage, surrounded by boxes full of old things we have.

 "Hey, sweetie." My mom came from the side door, holding even more boxes. 

 "Hi. Uh what's going on?"

 "I got off work early and I didn't have anything to do after I made dinner so I decided to do some spring cleaning."

 "It's October, Mom."

 "You know what I mean." She waved her hand in the air and turned on her heels to go back inside the house. "Do me a favor and go through these boxes for me? See if there's some stuff we should keep."

 I nodded, threw my bag onto the ground and opened the box closest to me. Inside held old stuffed animals and toys Zack and I used to play with. I dug inside the box and found an old teddy bear. I ran a hand over its worn out button eyes and couldn't help but smile.

 "Can't remember what your name is..." I frowned and set it back down. I went through other boxes, finding vases, old school projects and other various items. I came to a halt when I found a picture of Zack, my dad and I in a box full of many other family photos. 

  _"Tyler! Come on! I want all of my boys in this picture."_

_My mom was beckoning for me to come over so she could take a picture of everyone. She specifically wanted just the boys of the family first though._

_"Come on Ty! I wanna hurry up and eat!" Zack shouted. I stood up from my spot in the grass and walked over._

_My dad wrapped his arm around Zack and I and grinned._

_"Say cheese you two."_

_We both cheered out and there was a flash._

_"You three look great! My handsome men." my mom beamed, pinching Zack and I's cheeks._

_"Come on now, Ma." I groaned. "Can we just eat?"_

_She gave me a sour look but nodded. "As soon as you all wash up."_

That was the last good memory we all had with each other.

  **It was your fault.**

  "What did I do wrong?" I began to tremble at the sight of the photo. 

**He's gone and it's your fault.**

"No. No! It's not I-"

 "Who're you talking to, honey?"

 I jumped at my mom's sudden reappearance, knocking the box over. 

"Oh, Tyler." She huffed and bent over to pick up the contents of the box. I watched as she collected the pictures in her hands, but seemingly never coming across the picture of my dad.

 "Aren't you gonna help me?"

 "Oh. Um yeah sorry." I crouched down and began to throw the pictures back into the box, being sure not to look at them. 

 "I'm gonna go take a nap or something." I shuffled inside the house and up the steps. I swung my bedroom door open and walked inside. I crawled onto my bed and lay flat on my back, staring up at my ceiling fan as it spun. Round and round and round.

  "Look at it goooo." I mumbled to myself. After a while my eyes began to get weary. I let out a yawn and shut them, drifting off.

 

* * *

_"Oh. Oh my God, Tyler. Tyler please! MOM HELP!"_

_What are you looking at me like that for?_

_"Tyler please wake up! Why would you do this to us?"_

_I don't owe you anything._

_"Tyler. Tyler!"_

_Go away. You didn't care. Go away._

"TYLER WAKE THE FUCK UP."

 I jolted awake at Zack's screaming.

"Finally, my God. Mom wanted me to tell you that I was about to leave."

"Where is she?"

"She left to do something, I don't know. Anyways, I'm going to Josh's."

I watched as he left, closing my door shut. I laid back down, letting out a sigh.

 Josh really did want me to go to his party. 

And I kinda, sorta miss him.

 I looked at my phone to check the time. 

"8:00.."

 I puffed my cheeks and got out of bed. 

"Fuck it." I muttered. I slipped on my sneakers and jogged downstairs just before Zack was about to leave.

"Zack wait. I wanna come with you."

He turned to me and scoffed. "You're kidding right?"

I shook my head and walked out the door with him. "I decided I want to go. Need to take my mind off of something."

Zack's face was a mixture of amusement and confusion as he watched me head towards the woods.

 "Alright, Ty. I don't know what you're trying to pull. Just don't do any weird ass emo shit or embarrass or I swear on my fucking life I will  _kill_ you."

"Whatever." 

 

 We walked in a very awkward silence until we reached Josh's house. Other kids were already there, either heading inside our waiting outside for their friends to come. I felt myself start to get nervous. This was my first time at a party and my first time at Josh's house. I grabbed the sleeves of my hoodie and began to tug as we came closer.

 "Hey cut that shit out." Zack yanked my hands away from my sleeves and put them down to my sides. "What'd I say about being weird earlier."

"Sorry."

_You should've never came. You're just going to embarrass yourself like how you always do._

"Hey Zack!" someone shouted from afar. It was Jenna and some other kids that I didn't recognize. 

"Oh my gosh! Tyler! You're here!" she squealed, running from her spot to greet me.

"Uh yeah. Hey."

"What made you wanna come?"

 "Nothin'. I just didn't have anything better to do." I weakly laughed and turned my head away from her.

"Well I'm glad you're here. Anyways, Zack. Tristan and I wanted to show," I tuned Jenna's voice out as I looked for Josh. He didn't seem to be anywhere so he must be inside. I slipped away from Zack and Jenna and headed towards his front door. Getting to the door was the hardest part.

As I walked past people, they'd stop to stare at me. To whisper about me.

I wasn't supposed to be here. I'm not supposed to be around them.

_Go home, Tyler._

I stepped inside his house that was already very crowded. Laughter and shouts were coming from every direction, the music barely drowning out the voices. Bodies were everywhere, flailing about. I scanned the room to see if I could find a sign that Josh was around. Inside the kitchen, you could catch a glimpse of his pink hair. I pushed past a few people but stopped halfway.

What if he's mad that I showed up? What if he pretends he doesn't know me?  
 I should just leave.

I looked at him, laughing amongst other people. People that weren't  _me._

Was this jealously?

I sighed and turned around to leave. There was no point in coming.

"Ty?"

I jumped a bit at Josh calling for me.

When I turned to look at him, he had a wide grin on his face.

"You came! I was hoping you would." He walked towards me and pulled me into a hug. I nearly melted in his arms. I wrapped my arms around him and breathed in his scent.

I felt my hand reach up to wrap in his hair but I had to stop myself before I did.

"Yeah. Hey." I smiled at him and pulled away.

 He wrapped his arm around me and turned back around to the people in the kitchen.

"Y'all, this is my best friend, Tyler Robert Joseph. Say hi to my best friend you guys."

They smiled at me and waved, and I even got a few hi's from some people in the living room.

"Hey," Josh turned back to me and lowered his voice. "I'm really happy you came. Really." My face warmed as he leaned closer to me.

"I want you to have fun, okay?" Josh gripped my hand for a bit but then let go, turning back to his other friends.

"Come over here, Tyler." a boy beckoned me over. His curly blonde hair covered most of his face and his legs seemed to go on forever. As I walked over to him, he stood up to reveal his tall, lanky body. 

He extended his hand and grinned. "I'm Digby. I've known Josh for all my life so a friend of his is automatically a friend of mine." I put my hand in his and smiled up at him. 

"It's nice to meet you." 

A shorter boy with a shaved head walked up to me and patted my back and smiled. "I'm Riley. Welcome to the party, kid."

A few other people introduced themselves to me. An hour had already passed, spent with me awkwardly blending in with the crowd. I eventually decided to sit with this girl named Kenny and Digby. 

"So, I heard this is your first party." Kenny raised her eyebrows and took a sip from her cup. I nodded and twiddled my thumbs.

"I usually don't go out. I almost didn't even go to this."

"Why'd you come?"

"For Josh I guess." Kenny began to smile but she hid her face in her cup as Digby let out a chuckle.

"Oh yeah? Say. How'd you and Josh end up meeting anyway?" Digby asked.

"We were both taking the same way to school and he ended up inviting me to his party. I sort of pushed him away at first but he still kept trying. We kinda clicked instantly after we really started talking."

"Huh.." Digby looked me up and down and clicked his tongue. "Josh usually doesn't just invite random people to his parties. Especially someone like you."

"What?"

He smiled and held up his hands defensively. "I didn't mean to make that sound rude. It's just that you're a very quiet kid. I really wanna know what you did to make him interested."

 I nervously laughed and shrugged. "I wish I could tell you."

"Well, he seems to like you and that's alright with me." Kenny cut in, a smile still on her face.

"Yeah. If-"

"HEY-O EVERYBODY!" someone bellowed. "WE'RE GONNA PLAY A LITTLE GAME CALLED CHUG OF WAR!" Kenny cheered along with the rest of the crowd.

"We don't have any cards so... we're just gonna have two of you fuckers chug some shit. And please, no smashing the cans against our heads? We all remember what happened last time."

"This should be fun." Digby grabbed me by the hand and pulled me to my feet.

"Who wants to step up to plate?" 

A kid I have never seen before and Riley stepped in front of the table, their friends cheering them on.

"Shit y'all, place your bets!" From one side of the room there were shouts for the kid named Jackson and on the other side they were rooting for Riley.

I watched in awe as they placed 10 cans of beer on either side of the table. 

"Alright! 

3!

2!

1!"

The entire room went wild as the two boys began. 

"FUCK IT UP, RILEY!" Kenny screeched. I looked for Josh to see him screaming along with everyone. 

"What is even happening?!" I shouted to Digby.

"You've never seen one of these? It's a party tradition, dude!"

As Jackson got closer to the end, the shouts in the room got louder and louder. I found myself to be screaming along with them.

"DON'T LET THAT FUCKER BEAT YOU RILEY!" I screeched. Digby and Kenny were laughing at my sudden interest in the game.

"YEAH! YOU HEARD WHAT TYLER SAID! WIN!" Digby shouted. Riley began to catch up with Jackson. Two cans away from him. One can away. Riley grabbed the last can and chugged, leaving Jackson on his eighth. Kenny and Digby jumped up and shouted as Riley set down the can.

As Riley stumbled towards the crowd, the guy from earlier who I found out was named Alan stood back on the table. 

"Alright who's next?"

"Tyler! Tyler do it!" Digby urged me on, pushing me towards the table.

"I dunno! I-"

"Come on Ty!" Josh cheered from the other side of the room. I hesitated, but eventually stepped towards the table.

"What's this? A new comer? And it's none other than TYLER JOSEPH?" The room went wild again as Alan announced who I was. I watched as some people looked confused, some looked shocked, some looked disgusted.

"I'll take this one then, Al." I turned to see Mike Young emerge from the sea of people.

"Our champion wants to take on a newbie huh?"

I rolled my eyes and sighed.

Mike Young was the kid who basically took Jenna and Zack away from me. 

Where the term "dickhead" takes human form. 

"Hey there, Joseph." Mike smirked at me as I turned my head away from him.

"Michael..." 

"It's a pleasant surprise, seeing you here. I thought you preferred sitting in your room contemplating suicide."

I clenched my jaw, but didn't turn to leave. 

"I just came to have a good time."

"Well then, a good time we'll have." He patted my arm and gave me a thumbs up. I felt my body begin to freeze up as beer cans began to get placed out in front of us.

"Now Tyler, I assume you know how to play." I nodded and stepped closer to the table.

"Alright then. 3!" 

The entire room began to cheer. My breathing started to become unsteady, my hands shaking, the shouts overwhelming me.

"2!"

"You got this, Ty." Josh shouted. I smiled at him, feeling relieved.

"1!"

I instantly reached for the first can, opening it and chugging it. I was almost immediately done with the drink as soon as I picked it up. I instantly moved onto the second can after setting the empty one down. After that one the third, then the fourth. 

"Holy shit, Tyler!" I heard Zack's voice shout in amazement.

I picked up my sixth can, tilting my head back to drink. As the liquid hit the back of my throat, I felt the room begin to slow. The voices getting quieter and quieter.

_What am I doing?_

I looked around the room. Unfamiliar faces screaming at me, telling me what to do.

I didn't know these people. They didn't know me. But here I was surrounded by them and their shouts cheering me on.

What have I gotten myself into?

I set down the can and reached for the next, but there was nothing.

"Wha?"

"Dude! He's done!"

Everyone in the room was as confused as I was.

Mike set down his 6th can, his eyebrows furrowed. "The hell?"

"TYLER JOSEPH," Alan began, "YOU HAVE BEAT OUR CHAMPION MIKE YOUNG. YOU ARE NOW THE CHUG OF WAR KING!"

The room once again exploded in cheers as Digby and Riley lifted me up in the air.

I looked around the room in a daze. These people

These people that didn't even know who I was, didn't even care who I was, were cheering for me.

Digby grabbed my arm and lifted it up in the air.

I sheepishly grinned at the crowd as they all came up to me, giving me high fives and taking pictures. 

Josh walked up to me, offering me another can as Digby and Riley set me down.

"Well, now you're the king of my party. Way to steal my thunder." He playfully nudged me in the arm as I took the can away from him. "I didn't even know you could do that."

"Neither did I."

* * *

 

It was 11:00. It didn't seem like the party was even starting to die down. Almost everyone was high or drunk. Incomprehensible shouts filled the room. I was lying on Kenny and Josh, laughing about nothing. Kenny had her hand in my hair, giggling every single time she'd tug on it.

Josh looked down at me, a subtle smile on his face.

"Hey. I'm  _so fucking happy._ That you're having fun." He placed his hands on my cheeks and planted a kiss on my forehead. Kenny let out an 'oooh' and burst out into another fit of giggles. I felt my face get warm.

"Josh..." I couldn't seem to control myself. I put my hand in his hair, not exactly playing with it. More of slapping his scalp. 

"Ty. You're _soooooo_ beautiful." A patted my cheek and laughed. I stared up at him, not knowing what to say.

"J-"

I was interrupted by angry shouts and glass breaking coming from Josh's kitchen.

"Ha. Bar fight." Kenny clapped her hands together.

"Don't break my shit!" Josh shouted. "That's my ass on the line, y'know!"

Josh sighed and laughed and looked back at me.

"Hey. Let's go upstairs. These kids are too rowdy for me." Before I could answer, Josh grabbed my by the hand and let me to his room.

He pushed me in and shut his door.

"We're having a grand old time, aren't we Tyty?"

I laughed and lied on his bed. "You're drunk."

"So are you." He lied down next to me, laying his head on my shoulder.

"Barely... I can still tell whats what."

"So can I!"

"Which direction is left."

Josh pointed is finger towards the right and scoffed. "Duh."

I laughed, hiding my face in my hands.

"What's so funny?" Josh slapped my arm gently, pouting a bit.

"Thank you Josh. I know you probably don't understand this right now. But I had fun. Really."

Josh propped himself up on his elbows, staring into my eyes.

"Tyler. I really do think you're beautiful..."

I opened my mouth to speak, but before I could, he kissed me. I closed my eyes, kissing him back. He clasped his hand in mine, deepening the kiss. I felt my heart beat faster and faster. He stole the air straight from my lungs.

I pulled away, looking up at him. "Josh I-"

"Don't pull away from me." he mumbled. He closed the space between us again, his hold on me getting tighter. Josh crawled on top of me, holding me down with his weight.

"I'll.. I'll keep you here." He leaned down, giving me a quick peck on the lips. 

"I'll keep you with me." he began to kiss me once more, his movements desperate almost. I eventually gave up trying to pull away.

I felt myself melt into him again. I wrapped my hands in his hair as I let him hold me. As I loved him. As we kissed

I've never felt so safe. So at peace.

I've never-

"Hey, Josh we g- Whoa."

 Josh broke away from me, both of us snapping our heads towards the door.

Digby was standing in the doorway, looking rather pleased.

"I see I'm interrupting something. I'll just.. go." he shut the door, his footsteps getting quieter and quieter.

 

"Fuck." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I CAN'T KEEP PROMISESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS  
> IM SORRRRRRRYY


	7. Tightrope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This entire school is one big tight rope. People like you and me are balancing ourselves over a bunch of people that can kill us if we fall and land on them. If you look down, you'll freak out and fall. Do. Not. Look. Down."

Josh slid off of me and sat at the edge of the bed, hiding his face in his hands.  
I slowly inched my hand towards his shoulder to comfort him before he began to laugh.

"What're you laughing for?"  
Josh looked up at me with a smirk on his face. "It's just Digby. Hes seen me do worse. Besides, he ain't straight himself either."

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked the time.  
 _11:15._

"Hey. I should probably get going. I don't want my mom to be worried or nothin'."

"Oh. I was hoping you would stay the night." Josh shifted on the bed and leaned against me. "I want to be with you as much as I can."

"I know but I just-" Josh began to softly snore, his chest heaving up and down slowly.  
"Wow." I whispered to myself. I sighed and started to slowly slip away from him, being sure to stay quiet. I opened the door and stepped out, my ears adjusting to the voices downstairs. 

I went down into the kitchen where Zack was talking with Jenna and his other friends.  
"Zack," he looked up and set his drink down.  "I'm gonna spend the night. So maybe get a ride I guess?"  
"Um. Okay." He furrowed his brows but turned his attention back to his conversation. 

I looked into the living room to see Digby and Kenny snickering. Kenny grinned at me and beckoned me over.   
"Tyler. Tyler Tyler Tyler." Kenny hiccuped and snorted. "Why didn't you tell me you and Josh w-" Digby clasped his hand over her mouth shushing her.

"She's drunk as hell. But yeah. I had a feeling you two weren't just friends."  
I felt myself begin to blush. I bit my lip and nodded, avoiding eye contact.   
"Don't be embarrassed. It's okay. Your secret is safe with me." Digby winked and flashed a reassuring smile. I hummed and waved goodbye before turning to head back upstairs.  

My secret. That's what it's gonna have to be between us considering how the kids at school aren't very accepting.

_I don't want this to be a secret._

I stood in front of Josh's bedroom door and reached for the doorknob.

_I want to let the world know. It's not fair._

I quietly stepped in and shut the door behind me. Josh was still on his bed, sound asleep. I kicked off my shoes and pulled my sweatshirt over my head. I slowly crawled on top of the bed and lied next to Josh.  
I turned to look at his face. He looked so peaceful, like a sleeping angel. I scooted closer to him and rest my head on his chest. His heartbeat was like a lullaby. I felt my muscles relax and my eyes weaken. I slipped off to sleep, Josh's beating heart playing in my ears.  
It became my favorite song.

  
"I'll be fine, Ma. It's just a headache."  
I blinked my eyes open, letting them adjust to the now bright room. I groaned and pushed my face into the mattress.   
"No it was just a couple friends. I swear." I softly chuckled and turned my head to look at Josh. One hand was holding his phone to his ear, the other playing with his hair. 

"looks like cotton candy..." I mumbled. He turned to me and furrowed his brows but I just shook my head.  
Here I was shirtless in my crushes room on his bed. But it didn't seem to bother me.  
Crush? Is he still a crush or...  
"Are we dating?" I said aloud.  I bit my lip as I watched Josh's face turn red.   
"I-I didn't mean to say th-"  
"Josh?  Who is that?" His mom's voice now audible for both of us to hear.  
"It was just the TV. Some uh, highschool drama show I think."  
"Well, turn the TV off if you're not watching it. Running up my electric bill..." a deeper voice was heard on the other end.  
"Is that all you care about?  Your bills? You don't even wanna say hi to the kids?"   
"I can say hi to them when we come back."  
"What if we don't ever come back?!"  
"Now you're just talking crazy."  
"Okay um. Bye Mom. Bye Dad." Josh hungup and let out a sigh. He turned to me, face still red.

"What was that you asked me?"   
"Are we y'know... dating?"  
"Shit. I mean. I already thought we were ever since I kissed you but if you don't wanna-"  
"What? No I do it's just that I didn't really know what this was to you or-"  
"No I understand, I guess I never really formally asked you."  
I hummed and slowly sat up.  
"Tyler. Do you feel comfortable dating me?"   
"Of course I do. I wouldn't rather be with anyone else."  
Josh chuckled and smiled. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to his chest.  
"Good. I wouldn't want you to be with anyone else either." He kissed the top of my head and flopped back down on his bed taking me with him.

He snuggled his face into my shoulder and let out a happy sigh. I draped my arm around him and looked up at the ceiling.   
Unlike my bedroom, his room was bright and colorful. He had posters of his favorite bands covering the walls. Pictures of him with friends that I just met that night and of friends that I didn't recognize.

 He has so many friends. More than I've ever had.  
My phone began to buzz in my sweatshirt pocket. I reached for my sweatshirt on the floor and set it next to Josh all while pulling my phone out. It was my mom.   
I answered the phone and slowly put it up to my ear.  
"...Hello?"  
"Tyler. Robert. Joseph."  
I slapped my hand against my face and sighed.  
"As if Zack getting home at 3 in the morning wasn't  enough. Here I am just now finding out that you were never even here. I was worried sick! If Zack wasn't here to tell me that you stayed the night at that party I would've called the police, Tyler! That god damn party. If I find out either of you were drinking there won't be anymore partying for the both of you."  
"It was just a small get together, Mom!" Zack cried in the background.  
"I've had enough from you!"

Josh was covering his face, trying to stifle his laughter. I hit his shoulder causing him to laugh even harder.  
"I'm sorry Mom. I'll be home soon." I brought my phone away from my ear and hung up. I groaned and sat up.   
I looked over at Josh. He gave me a soft smile and handed me my sweatshirt.

"Somebody's in troubleeeee" he teased.  
"Its  your fault," I pulled my sweatshirt over my head and stood up. "You made me stay."  
"Did I?"  
I scoffed and grabbed my shoes.  
"That's a legitimate question. I barely remember what happened last night. My head hurts like hell just trying to think about it."  
He put his fingers to his temples and squinted his eyes whilst making a grunting noise.  
"What, are you Professor X or are you constipated?" Josh laughed as he shuffled out of bed.  
"Do you want me to walk with you?"  
"No you should stay and rest. You probably cant  handle sunlight right now."  
"Oh. Well tell your mom I'm sorry,  okay?" Josh wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a hug.  
 He let go and waved as I turned to leave his room. 

Once I got into the hallway I already wanted to turn around and go back. I never noticed how cold I felt when I wasn't with him.   
I opened his front door but paused before I stepped outside.   
I shook my head and stepped out, closing the door behind me. Being out here wasn't as calming as it used to be.  
I laughed a bit as I realized that my safe haven had been replaced.

After 10 minutes of walking in silence, I arrived at my house. My garage was open implicating that my mom didn't want me to go through the front. I huffed and stepped inside the house expecting for her to be waiting for me in the kitchen.

"Im home." I called out.   
I walked into the living room to see my mom standing with her arms folded and Zack sitting on the couch with a sulky look on his face.

"Wha-"  
"Oh there you are." My mom ran to me and pulled me into a hug.  
"Ma. I was gone for not even a day."  
"I was scared, Tyler! I was already upset enough when Zack wasn't here but I expect that from him."  
Zack sucked his teeth and mumbled something under his breath.

"But I'm here now."  
"But what if you weren't? You know that I get worried when you either of you are gone for too long ever since your-"  
"Okay, Mom. I know. I'm sorry." My throat tightened as I watched her expression suddenly soften.  
"Alright. It's alright. You're alright." she stepped back from me and took a seat on the couch.

Zack looked up at me before getting up and leaving.   
I sighed and dragged myself upstairs. I stepped into my room and slowly closed the door being sure to not disturb my mom.  
I unlocked my phone and sent a text to Josh.  
Just got home. She wasn't happy...   
I sent it and tossed my phone onto my bed. I huffed and lightly slapped my forehead. I felt so bothered. 

_You know I get worried when either of you are gone for too long_

  
She didn't mean Zack. She only meant me. I used to run away a lot.

I'm just such a bother to her.   
I need therapy but we've never been able to afford it.

**And it's all your fault.**

It can't be. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I was supposed to grow up happy. I was supposed to be loved like how Zack is. I was gonna be on the basketball team. I might've even joined choir.

But I ruined everything.  
If I had never told anyone anything, my dad would still be alive.

"I wouldn't be like this." I whispered. My phone vibrated on my bed sending me back to reality. I decided to ignore it. I was so tired and my head hurt like absolute hell.

I got underneath my sheets and shut my eyes.

I didn't want to sleep. But I had to. It was inevitable considering the state I was in. But I don't think I can take any nightmares.

I listened to the sound of my spinning ceiling fan. It went around and around and around in an endless circle.  
As did I.  
___________________________________________

I woke up at around 5 I assumed considering how the sky was getting dim. I realized I had fallen asleep without taking my shoes off.

The soft humming from my mom was barely audible due to the sizzling that was coming from a pan down in the kitchen.

I groaned and flipped over on my side, rolling on top of my phone. I reached underneath me and pulled it out. I had a missed call from Josh and 3 texts.

_J: Did you get grounded? ;P_

_J: Hey later on you should meet me at the treehouse if you can find it again_

_J: You okay? I'm really sorry if I got you in trouble._

I decided to call him back to put his worries to rest. The phone barely got a chance to ring before Josh picked up.

"Ty? Are you alright? Look I'm so sorry about making you stay it was really selfish of me and-"

"No it's fine don't worry. And I'm not grounded, she was just pretty upset."

"Oh. Well I'm glad you're okay. I'm guessing meeting up with me later is a no though, right?"

I huffed and thought for a second. "Not unless she doesn't find out..."

Josh lightly chuckled, making my heart warm.

"You sure you wanna sneak out after your mom thought you were basically kidnapped?"

"Yeah. I love spending time with you.

"Tyler, Mom wanted me to tell you that dinners ready." Zack swung my door open making it nearly fly off the hinges.

"Oh uh okay just a second."  
Zack squinted at me and looked over at my phone in my hand.

"Who're you on the phone with? You finally got a girl?"

"What? No it's just-"

"Sure does sound like it. I heard you say you love spending time with them."

I gulped and looked away, hiding my phone behind my back.

"Just let me see." Before Zack could step into my room our mom shouted for us to come downstairs. Zack groaned and turned around.  
"I'm finding out somehow."

I waited until Zack was out of sight before putting my phone back to my ear.

"Who was that?" Josh asked.  
"Just Zack being... Zack."

"Oh. Well it sounds like you have to go. I'll see you later maybe?"

"Yeah. I'll call you if I get the chance to leave."

I hung up and sighed. What would happen if Zack found out? I almost threw up thinking about the consequences. I slowly got out of bed and went downstairs into the kitchen.

"Everyone's favorite." My mom chimed as she set down a plate of spaghetti in front of Zack.

"Hey um. Mom. I love your cooking and all but I'm not really hungry. I'm pretty tired actually so is it okay if I just go back upstairs and take a nap?"

"Haven't you been napping for the past few hours?" Zack asked with a mouthful of food.

"Tyler. You have to eat eventually ."   
"I promise I will mom. Just later on."

She sighed and looked at me, carefully studying my face before nodding and turning around to fix a plate.

I gave her a quiet thank you and went upstairs before shutting my door and locking it.

I slowly opened my window and stepped out onto my roof.

"You've done this plenty of times before, Tyler." I encouraged myself.   
Luckily for me, there was a tree that in front of my window I'd always climb down from when I wanted to leave the house without anyone knowing and I was quite the tree climber if I do say so myself.

I stepped towards the tree and grabbed onto a branch, guiding my feet to the one below it. I slowly climbed down, one foot at a time before safely reaching the ground. I let out a sigh of relief and pulled out my phone.

_T: Guess who just got done climbing down a tree?_

I walked around to the front of my house and headed towards the forest. I put my hoodie over my head to protect myself in anyway from the bone chilling wind.

_J: I hope this means you're coming cuz Im already there_

I smiled and continued walking. After a minute or two I realized I was getting nowhere. I couldn't remember where the treehouse was.

_T: I cant remember where the fuck to go im lost and its dark_

_J: listen to the sound of drumming and follow that_

I furrowed my eyebrows but listened for drumming anyways. I walked deeper and deeper until I could hear a beat.   
It was like walking through a maze, every tree looked the same as the forest began to get darker and darker but I kept going as the drumming got louder and louder.

I finally reached the back of the treehouse, Josh's drumming still going. I walked to the front and watched him.  
He was holding two fairly large sticks and drumming on the treehouse floor.   
His eyes were closed and his body seemed to bounce with the beat of his wooden drum.

I cleared my throat after a while causing him to drop the sticks out of his hands. He looked down at me and smiled.

"I knew that would help."

"Josh, that was actually sick." I said as I climbed up the worn out rope ladder.

"Thanks. I like to play the drums."  
"No kidding. You're fucking amazing."

"Awe stop you're making me blush." He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me to him.

"This is gonna sound cheesy but even though I saw you hours ago, I missed you like a lot."

"I missed you too."  
Josh planted a kiss on top of my head and just held me there.

"Um. Josh. Can I tell you something?"  
"Of course."

"Zack almost found out about... you know. Us."

"Is that bad?"  
"Bad? It's more than that. The kids homophobic as all hell. He'd make sure I'm dead if I ever even mentioned anything about us."

"I was hoping it wouldn't have to be like this. Where we have to hide. But listen to me, Ty. If there's anything I know it's how these kids work. They'll start to get suspicious if we're together too much. That's just how they are. I really, really like you like.. a lot," he laughed and wet his lips. "But I don't want anyone to target you. We have to act normal. Stay low."

"It's not fair."  
"I know but that's how it is. This entire school is one big tight rope. People like you and me are balancing ourselves over a bunch of people that can kill us if we fall and land on them. If you look down, you'll freak out and fall. Do. Not. Look. Down."

Josh reached for my hand and held it there.

"I've been on this rope ever since I was a child. I noticed how I liked boys the way girls did. In the 2nd grade there was this whole... fiasco that involved me and this boy that I liked. It was Valentine's day. Every boy was giving a girl something while every girl was giving a boy something. Typical elementary school class. But me. I wanted to give this handwritten card I made to this boy in my class. Everyone pointed and laughed at me basically humiliate myself. It was the first time I was called a faggot. My teacher called home and told my parents instead of calling the parents of the kids who were harassing me. My dad was livid."

Josh paused and sniffed. I could see tears running down his face.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that."   
He smiled and shook his head. "It's fine. It made me a stronger person I guess."

I hummed and laid my head on his shoulder.

"Scary world we live in, huh?"   
"Ain't that the truth."

"Might as well be scared together then." He looked at me and smiled. I hesitated before giving him a quick peck on the cheek resulting in him squealing.

"TY! YOU'RE SO CUTE!" He wrapped his arms around me and pushed me over onto the treehouse floor.

"Josh, jeez!" I giggled as I rolled us both over. Josh's gripped onto me even tighter and burying my face in his chest.

I sighed and closed my eyes breathing him in.

Our tightrope was 100 feet in the air but I was willing to take the risk of falling.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally got something that I can work with!   
> I deeply apologize for the long hiatus but I'm back in action so updates will be way more consistent. Thanks for understanding!
> 
> -Ders

**Author's Note:**

> So this is definitely my first time writing anything for the public. But I've been thinking about doing this for quite some time now so, any criticism would be nice!
> 
> Thanks, my dudes.- Ders


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